“Don’t take it personally” is easy to say but hard to do. These tips can help.

“Don’t take anything personally.” This is one of the Four Agreements from the book “The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom” by Don Miguel Ruiz. I recall a time when a CEO said to me that one of the senior executives had taken the low employee satisfaction results in their area personally and that she advised him not to do so. My response was they should take the results personally for those areas they lead. 

In thinking about this paradox, I have some thoughts and suggestions.

How can you interpret results or feedback without taking it personally? Your first thought must be that the sender of the message is trying to be helpful — not hurtful. The two most vital characteristics in personal growth are self-awareness and coachability. Feedback that creates self-awareness is meant to be helpful. That outside perspective is valuable; remember, an artist can draw someone else better than that person can draw themselves. 

When we take something personally, it can lead to unhealthy emotions, including anger and resentment. These emotions can lead to actions that prevent one from performing a self-inventory and cause situations that are not healthy. Yes, it may feel good for a brief moment to vent, gossip, and get revenge. But rarely does it lead to a good outcome.

 

I tend to divide reactions into two categories: taking something personally or taking ownership of it. The two are similar but create vastly different actions. The senior executive needs to take ownership of the poor results. What will not be helpful is blaming others or being angry to the point that it delays or prevents taking positive steps forward.

Here are a few suggestions to help you move past taking feedback personally.

— Do a self-assessment. Is the feedback accurate? If not, is some of it right? Try to be honest with yourself. The goal is progress, not perfection.

— Find someone you trust and share with them the feedback you received. If you’re just not sure if feedback is accurate, asking someone you trust to provide more feedback, or a second opinion can be very helpful. Let them provide their thoughts. This can be a mentor, close colleague, friend, or family member.

— Make sure you’re allowing people to give you feedback. I often find people do not receive helpful feedback because of how they’ve handled it in the past. If we have reacted with silent hurt or anger, people will be reluctant to provide it again. Let the person know you will appreciate their feedback and can handle it. The other morning, my wife said to me, “I need to share something with you. I need you to not overreact or be angry.” Now, my perception may be that I don’t react that way. However, I am sure she doesn’t make this stuff up. I needed to agree and show her I can listen without getting angry or overreacting.

— Stop assuming the feedback you get is always correct. At times, it truly is not accurate. Senders can have issues. An angry person may lash out, a jealous person may say negative things, etc. Take in what fits and leave the rest behind. Sadly, people can be very mean-spirited and attempt to be hurtful. By being self-aware, with the help of others, this becomes easier and easier. However, it sure is difficult at times.

— Don’t accept responsibility for creating someone else’s actions. An example is when you hear a person say things like, “You made me angry,” “You made me cry,” “You made me make a mistake,” “You made me happy.”  While we need to take ownership of our own actions, the other person must own their responses, both positive and negative.

— Be kind to yourself. We are all human beings. Of course, when we read or hear something about ourselves or others we care about, we will be hurt. Do your best not to take it so personally. If you do, it can lead to unhealthy actions. 

The subject of this column is one that is truly easier written about, or talked about, than done. The best tool in situations where you take things personally is the pause button. A bit of time can make the difference between responding well and responding in a way that can make things worse. I have seldom regretted pausing. I have often regretted not doing so.